THE EUPHORIA OF FALLING IN LOVE PART 2

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THE EUPHORIA OF FALLING IN LOVE PART 2

"And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour" ( Ephesians 5:2).

Today we continue from our last post on The Euphoria of falling in love Part 1. Please do begin from reading the part one if you haven't to understand this topic.
"What happened to the “in love” experience? Alas, it was but an illusion by which we weretricked into signing our names on the dotted line, for better or for worse. No wonder so many havecome to curse marriage and the partner whom they once loved. After all, if we were deceived, wehave a right to be angry. Did we really have the “real” thing? I think so. The problem was faultyinformation.The bad information was the idea that the “in love” obsession would last forever. We shouldhave known better. A casual observation should have taught us that if people remained obsessed, we
would all be in serious trouble. The shock waves would rumble through business, industry, church,education, and the rest of society. Why? Because people who are “in love” lose interest in otherpursuits. That is why we call it “obsession.” The college student who falls head over heels in lovesees his grades tumbling. It is difficult to study when you are in love. Tomorrow you have a test on
the War of 1812, but who cares about the War of 1812? When you’re in love, everything else seemsirrelevant. A man said to me, “Dr. Chapman, my job is disintegrating.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.“I met this girl, fell in love, and I can’t get a thing done. I can’t keep my mind on my job. I spend
my day dreaming about her.”The euphoria of the “in love” state gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship.
We feel that we belong to each other. We believe we can conquer all problems. We feel altruistictoward each other. As one young man said about his fiancĂ©e, “I can’t conceive of doing anything to hurt her. My only desire is to make her happy. I would do anything to make her happy.” Suchobsession gives us the false sense that our egocentric attitudes have been eradicated and we havebecome sort of a Mother Teresa, willing to give anything for the benefit of our lover. The reason wecan do that so freely is that we sincerely believe that our lover feels the same way toward us. We believe that she is committed to meeting our needs, that he loves us as much as we love him andwould never do anything to hurt us.That thinking is always fanciful. Not that we are insincere in what we think and feel, but we areunrealistic. We fail to reckon with the reality of human nature. By nature, we are egocentric. Ourworld revolves around us. None of us is totally altruistic. The euphoria of the “in love” experienceonly gives us that illusion.Once the experience of falling in love has run its natural course (remember, the average in-love experience lasts two years), we will return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves.

He will express his desires, but his desires will be different from hers. He desires sex, but she is tootired. He wants to buy a new car, but she says, “That’s absurd!” She wants to visit her parents, but he says, “I don’t like spending so much time with your family.” He wants to play in the softball tournament, and she says, “You love softball more than you love me.”Little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behavior patterns exertthemselves. They are two individuals. Their minds have not melded together, and their emotions mingled only briefly in the ocean of love. Now the waves of reality begin to separate them. They fallout of love, and at that point either they withdraw, separate, divorce, and set off in search of a new in￾loveexperience, or they begin the hard work of learning to love each other without the euphoria of the in-love obsession.

 The in-love experience does not focus on our own growth nor on the growth and development of the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we have arrived.


Some researchers, among them psychiatrist M. Scott Peck and psychologist Dorothy Tennov,
have concluded that the in-love experience should not be called “love” at all. Dr. Tennov coined the
word limerance for the in-love experience in order to distinguish that experience from what she considers real love.
Dr. Peck concludes that the falling-in-love experience is not real love for three reasons. 

First, falling in love is not an act of the will or a conscious choice. No matter how much we may want to fall in love, we cannot make it happen. On the other hand, we may not be seeking the experience when it overtakes us. Often, we fall in love at inopportune times and with unlikely people.

Second, falling in love is not real love because it is effortless. Whatever we do in the in-love state requires little discipline or conscious effort on our part. The long, expensive phone calls we make to each other, the money we spend traveling to see each other, the gifts we give, the work
projects we do are as nothing to us. As the instinctual nature of the bird dictates the building of a nest, so the instinctual nature of the in-love experience pushes us to do outlandish and unnatural things for each other.
Third, one who is “in love” is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person. “If we have any purpose in mind when we fall in love it is to terminate our own
loneliness and perhaps ensure this result through marriage.”

Read also: God's Purpose in your storm

1. The in-love experience does not focus
on our own growth nor on the growth and development of the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we have arrived and that we do not need further growth. We are at the apex of life’s happiness, and our only desire is to stay there. Certainly our beloved does not need to grow because she is perfect. We simply hope she will remain perfect. If falling in love is not real love, what is it? Dr. Peck concludes that it “is a genetically determined instinctual component of mating behavior. In other words, the temporary collapse of ego boundaries that constitutes falling in love is a stereotypic response of human beings to a configuration of internal sexual drives and external sexual stimuli, which serves to increase the probability of sexual pairing and bonding so as to enhance the survival of the species.”
2.Whether or not we agree with that conclusion, those of us who have fallen in love and out of love will likely agree that the experience does catapult us into emotional orbit unlike anything else
we have experienced. It tends to disengage our reasoning abilities, and we often find ourselves doing and saying things that we would never have done in more sober moments. In fact, when we come down from the emotional obsession we often wonder why we did those things. When the wave of emotions subsides and we come back to the real world where our differences are illuminated, how many of us have asked, “Why did we get married? We don’t agree on anything.” Yet, at the height of the in-loveness, we thought we agreed on everything—at least everything that was important.
Rational, volitional love…is the kind of love to which the sages have always called us Does that mean that having been tricked into marriage by the illusion of being in love, we are now faced with two options: (1) we are destined to a life of misery with our spouse, or (2) we must
jump ship and try again? Our generation has opted for the latter, whereas an earlier generation often chose the former. Before we automatically conclude that we have made the better choice, perhaps we
should examine the data. Presently 40 percent of first marriages in this country end in divorce. Sixty percent of second marriages and 75 percent of third marriages end the same way. Apparently the prospect of a happier marriage the second and third time around is not substantial.
Research seems to indicate that there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in￾love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our
spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to
know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.
That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a
sense of satisfaction—the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the “in love” experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the “in love” experience has
run its course. We cannot take credit for the kind and generous things we do while under the influence of “the
obsession.” We are pushed and carried along by an instinctual force that goes beyond our normal behavior patterns. But if, once we return to the real world of human choice, we choose to be kind and
generous, that is real love.
The emotional need for love must be met if we are to have emotional health. Married adults long to feel affection and love from their spouses. We feel secure when we are assured that our mate
accepts us, wants us, and is committed to our well-being. During the in-love stage, we felt all of those emotions. It was heavenly while it lasted. Our mistake was in thinking it would last forever.
But that obsession was not meant to last forever. In the textbook of marriage, it is but the introduction. The heart of the book is rational, volitional love. That is the kind of love to which the
sages have always called us. It is intentional.
That is good news to the married couple who have lost all of their “in love” feelings. If love is a
choice, then they have the capacity to love after the “in love” obsession has died and they have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude—a way of thinking. Love is the
attitude that says, “I am married to you, and I choose to look out for your interests.” Then the one who
chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision.
“But it seems so sterile,” some may contend. “Love as an attitude with appropriate behavior?
Where are the shooting stars, the balloons, the deep emotions? What about the spirit of anticipation, the twinkle of the eye, the electricity of a kiss, the excitement of sex? What about the emotional security of knowing that I am number one in his/her mind?” That is what this book is all about. How
do we meet each other’s deep, emotional need to feel loved? If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated.
For many years now, I have discussed the five emotional love languages in my marriage seminars and in private counseling sessions. Thousands of couples will attest to the validity of what you are about to read. My files are filled with letters from people whom I have never met, saying, “A friend loaned me one of your tapes on love languages, and it has revolutionized our marriage. We had struggled for years trying to love each other, but our efforts had missed each other emotionally. Now that we are speaking the appropriate love languages, the emotional climate of our marriage has
radically improved.” When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely
never reach his potential for good in the world". Culled from Gary Chapman's Five love languages.
Hope this post has blessed you and reveals to you that you are to walk in love not fall in love no matter how you feel. This is what God told us to do in Ephesians 5:2. Let us choose to walk in love and build healthier relationships to the Glory of God.
Get acquainted with God today, He is the one whose love for you is not based on your actions but based on his lovely heart towards you. He did not fall in love with you but walks in love with you to the extent of dying on the Cross for you.
You can begin a relationship now with the lord Jesus Christ and experience His love for you by saying this prayer:
Lord Jesus Christ I acknowledge that I am a sinner, I believe in your death and resurrection. I ask you to forgive me my sins, I reject the devil and all his works and l welcome the Holy Spirit into my life. I declare today I am born again and I am a child of God in Jesus name. Amen .
If you just said that prayer I welcome you to God's family. Look for a Bible believing church where God's word is taught and fellowship there.
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